Hello everyone, let’s get straight to this week’s 3 links/nuggets of wisdom:
I’m not a parent, but I find the study of child development and parenting fascinating (you’ll see why towards the end). This TED talk by Yuko Munakata outlines the main finding from research on parenting: beyond the impact of genetics, cultural and socioeconomic factors, as well as the significant impact of peers, parenting makes very little difference to how children predictably turn out.
Munakata stresses that this finding is not the same as saying “parenting doesn’t matter.” Of course parenting matters. The key point is that, unlike other conditions, such as cultural and economic factors, we cannot predict how parenting matters. It’s not as simple as successful parenting produces successful kids, or happy parenting produces happy kids. Kids react to their parents’ actions in different ways at different times - which is one of the reasons siblings can be so different despite having pretty much the same upbringing. As Munakata puts it, parents have influence over their child’s path in life, but don’t have control.
What does this mean for parents and children of parents (i.e. all of us)? If we take seriously the fact that how parents matter is complex and difficult to predict, Munakata says that parents should stop blaming themselves so much. And children should stop blaming their parents, at least for the idea that they are defined by them.
This article by the philosopher Agnes Callard expands on the parenting research that Munakata outlines in her TED talk. Like Munakata, she notes that “parenting” wasn’t a common term until the 1970s. There have always been parents, but not necessarily the practice of parenting. Callard says that the “emotional toil of parenting” is “now as familiar a trope as the opinion piece advising parents to relax, be less perfectionist and be more forgiving of ourselves.”
But Callard doesn’t think simply advising parents to chill out is that useful. Even if parents can’t control how their children turn out, they can still influence the process. According to Callard, being a parent is a constant process of trying to influence your children in ways you think are good for them, only to realise - over and over again - that you don’t really know what’s good for them. You have to continuously accept the person they’ve become despite your best efforts. This is not a relaxing state of affairs! But it’s what it means to care for something largely out of your control.
In sum: parenting = hard.
This last link is a little bit cheeky, in that it’s a link to my own book. But, I wanted to include it to make the point that everything Munakata and Callard say about parenting can also be said about how you lead your own life. In my book - The Happiness Problem - I argue that, although people think they can control the outcomes of their life, most things are actually largely out of their control.
What parents do makes very little difference to how their children predictably turn out. Likewise, what you do make very little difference to how you predictably turn out. As in the case of parenting, this doesn’t mean you should give up and not bother. What you do definitely influences what happens, you just can’t say how. Personally, I never expected to be a writer (and a part-time baker) living in mid-Wales. But that’s what’s happened. Like Callard argues when it comes to parenting, the best I can do is accept the person I’ve become and continue to influence my future direction as best as I can, knowing that I have very little control over where I’ll ultimately end up.
In sum: life = hard. But it’s also exciting!
That’s all for this week. Feel free to comment below or send me a direct message. All thoughts from all humans are welcome here :-)