Hello humans, I hope you’re all doing well out there. Your usual end/beginning of week offering of three-links-to-interesting-things awaits… Feel free to comment below or message me directly, as always - all human thoughts are welcome here :-)
I was inspired this week by Gabor Mate’s recently released film, The Wisdom of Trauma. If you haven’t come across Gabor Mate before - who’s spent his life working on trauma and addiction (including his own) - I can thoroughly recommend his books and general insight into the world. According to Mate, behind every addiction, you’ll find trauma, and both are ubiquitous in modern society.
Mate argues that trauma doesn’t necessarily happen as a result of experiencing terrible things. Instead, trauma comes from having to experience terrible things alone. When someone isn’t able to share their bad experiences with others and get the acceptance and support they need, they have to deal with their pain in isolation. Which often means disassociating from themselves and their feelings in the process.
The result is that, later on in life, instead of being able to accept their feelings and be present with their situation, they must turn to external coping mechanisms, such as distractions, comforts, and addictions. Being addicted is the opposite of being able to either befriend your pain or get the help you need from others.
In the linked article, I ask the question: Is modern society traumatised? In particular, is the promise of happiness a kind of mass addiction? Are we constantly seeking relief from pain instead of being able to accept and support each other, including ourselves?
This video presents an example of what I mean. In the previous newsletter edition, drawing on the work of Stephen Jenkinson, I argued that we live in a “death phobic” society. We’re not very good with death and grief - and limits in general. The video is a short sketch of what someone needs when their grieving. As the author says, it’s not trying to cheer them up. Or telling them to be strong and persevere. Or helping them to move on. No. It’s something much more radical: Listening.
When you listen to someone in pain, you are simply letting them be in pain, neither judging them nor wishing they would feel otherwise. Most importantly, you are being there with them in their pain. By genuinely listening, you’re accepting how they feel and who they are in that moment. That acknowledgment and support is invaluable.
Unfortunately, we don’t do this nearly enough. We especially don’t do this enough for ourselves. Next time you feel sad or angry or tired or whatever, try simply listening to the part of you in pain. As Gabor Mate argues, it’s this ‘compassionate inquiry’ that has the power to heals us. Everything else is a distraction.
On the subject of distraction, here’s another article from me to finish this week. In it, I explain how I’ve spent most of my adult life distracting myself from doing something that really matters. Why? Because I’ve got very good at people-pleasing instead. We all want to love and be loved. And for at least the past 20 years of my life, I’ve focused on being a productive, kind, and positive person as a way of getting that love.
Now, I understand this doesn’t seem like much of a problem! And, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not. But, when you’re able to connect with something bigger - and much longer-lasting - than yourself, that’s when life starts. That’s when people are able to do magical things, to dedicate their time and energy to something they feel is truly worthwhile. I think we all deserve to live a little bit like that.
See you all again in 7 days time! Cheers, Sam