This edition is about how to live with both wisdom and responsibility, inspired by 3 very different - and seemingly contradictory - thought pieces by Mark Manson (see here, here, and here, or click on the links below). The basic conundrum is this:
Wisdom requires that you stay uncertain and open to multiple perspectives
But responsibility requires that you’re confident and do what you believe in
How can we reconcile these two opposing demands? Let’s see…
Wisdom
Manson begins his newsletter piece on wisdom by noting the importance of diversity in all walks of life. Societies need both introverts and extroverts. Democracies need multiple voices. And your own mind needs “a diversity of values, perspectives and inclinations.” Why? Life is simply too complicated for it to be otherwise.
The problem with diversity is that it creates conflict. Which is stressful. Much of the internal discomfort you experience comes from not knowing what to do. Should you stay or leave your relationship? Should you work harder or quit your job? How can you help your friend who’s struggling? How can you be a better parent? Without clear answers, these kinds of questions can rattle inside your head until you find one.
But, in contrast to knowledge, wisdom isn’t necessarily about finding the “right answer.” Wise people understand that there might not be an obvious answer - that life is too complex and uncertain for that. Instead, wisdom is about learning how to live with this discomfort: “it’s the ability to allow a diversity of values and thoughts to emerge within your own mind, yet still be able to act despite them.”
Think of your mind like a democracy, where each of your internal voices has at least a place at the table. With so much disagreement going on, you may not always be able to act with complete conviction. But that’s a good thing. It shows that you’ve taken the complexity of your situation, and a diverse range of viewpoints, into account.
As Manson says: “the goal isn’t to quieten or relieve yourself of your internal discord, it’s to learn to live with it. It’s not to rid yourself of anxiety or second-guessing, but to become comfortable with it. It’s not to develop full confidence in everything you do, but to become confident in the fact that you probably don’t know what you’re doing.”
Unconditional Commitments
So we could all be a bit wiser by allowing greater diversity into our mental landscape. But what about when we do want to act with confidence and conviction? Do we not have a responsibility to stand up for what we believe in? Does being wise mean you have to sit on the fence and exemplify monk-like equanimity at all times?
No, it doesn’t. You can be wise and take responsibility, and here’s how:
At any given moment, you can listen to the diverse range of voices in your mind and accept that you don’t really know what to do. When this happens, it may be tempting to wait for something to happen to help you decide, such as waiting to see if your partner changes their behaviour or waiting to see if your job gets more interesting.
But you can also play an active role in the process. You can start to run your own life experiments by making unconditional commitments to the things you care about.
In his article on relationships, Manson refers to this process as the “Law of Fuck Yes.” What can you currently say “fuck yes” to in your relationship, work, or home life? Saying “fuck yes” to something means that you’re committed to doing it whatever happens. You’re not simply waiting around to see how things pan out. You’re taking matters into your own hands because you care enough about them to find out.
For example, in a new relationship, you can unconditionally commit to getting to know someone better. Or, in an established relationship, you can unconditionally commit to sticking it out through hard times. You can make similar commitments to your work, community, health, society, or anything else you care about.
You can even do this on a systematic basis if you like. Every month, for instance, you could ask yourself the following questions:
What commitment can I make to my relationship without the need for love?
What commitment can I make to my work without the need for success?
What commitment can I make to my home without the need for security?
The point of asking yourself these questions is not to become some kind of Stoic warrior who doesn’t need love, success, or security. It’s to help you act confidently within conditions of uncertainty - when you don’t know what’ll bring you love, success, and security. The point is you can still act wholeheartedly in an attempt to find out.
This is how you can be wise and responsible at the same time - both uncertain and confident. First, you admit that you don’t know what to do and get comfortable with the diversity of voices in your mind. Second, you work out what you can commit to anyway - not because you know it’s definitely the right answer, but because you’re determined to find out either way. That’s what it means to act wholeheartedly.
Curiosity and Compassion
Cultivating wisdom and responsibility sounds great in principle, but - as with almost anything in life - it’s much harder in practice.
The reason you don’t like diversity is that it creates conflict, which stresses you out. The reason you don’t make unconditional commitments is that you don’t want to waste your time - you want to know what’s most likely to work and then do that.
Both allowing diversity and making unconditional commitments are acts of curiosity. Now, curiosity might sound fun - we tend to be curious about nature and the cosmos, or figuring out how machines work and what makes people tick. But, when it comes to your own life, curiosity always comes with opportunity costs. The more curious you are about your own mental landscape, relationship dynamics, or work opportunities, the less time you’re investing in doing whatever has worked for you in the past.
In principle, for example, it might sound good to be curious and unconditionally commit to sticking out your relationship through hard times - for at least another month, say. But, in practice, that’s a whole month of emotional pain, difficult conversations, small rejections, jealously, loneliness, or whatever. Sure, you might find out what’s good for you and what you really care about by the end of it. But that’s of little solace when you’re going through all those hard, painful times. The same goes for the unconditional commitments you might make to your work and home.
In response, you can always make smaller, more realistic commitments. If you’re finding your month-long commitments too hard to live up to then just think about what you can commit to for the next week, or even the next day. The point is to live wholeheartedly - confidently within conditions of uncertainty - not to be a hero.
You can also practice compassion. Curiosity is great, but sometimes it’s just not enough. Self-compassion is accepting that you’re still human - you still get upset, angry, sad, depressed, or anxious. As Manson says in his video on radical acceptance, these are all normal basic human functions. Being human, you have as many flaws and weaknesses as you do strengths and talents. And that’s okay. That’s something worthy of your care, not judgment. The more you cultivate wisdom and responsibility in your life, the more you’ll realise just how important compassion is to the whole process.
As always I’d love to hear from you, either directly or in the comments section below - all human thoughts are welcome. I’d especially love to hear about the unconditional commitments you’re currently making in your life, or are now feeling inspired to make! For me, writing this newsletter is an unconditional commitment. I have no idea where it’ll go and whether it’s a good use of my time. But, I care about understanding and sharing new ideas, so I’m willing to find out. I’m excited to see what happens…